Understanding the deeper impacts of trauma, emotional neglect, and what healing can look like.

“Trauma is not what happens to you… it is what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you.”

– Gabor Maté

What Most People Get Wrong About Trauma

When most people think of trauma, they picture a major, life-threatening event, something intense like a car accident, war, abuse, or a natural disaster. But trauma isn’t defined by the event itself.

Trauma is what happens inside your body, mind, and nervous system as a result of an overwhelming experience. It’s the lasting impression of fear, helplessness, or disconnection that can live in your thoughts, emotions, and physical body for years after the event has passed.

Trauma and Emotional Neglect: A Real-Life Example

In an incredible interview between Dr. Gabor Maté and Mel Robbins, this concept is illustrated powerfully. Robbins shares a distressing experience from her past, and Maté asks a simple but deeply moving question: Who did you talk to about it?

She replies that she didn’t talk to anyone. Maté then points out that this, the inability to turn to a trusted adult for support, is where the trauma began. Long before the event itself, she had already learned that her feelings weren’t safe to share.

Her isolation, confusion, and emotional disconnection created the perfect storm for long-term emotional distress.

The Impacts of Childhood Trauma

When children experience pain, loss, or confusion, their ability to make sense of it depends entirely on the responses of the adults around them. Kids don’t yet have the cognitive or emotional tools to understand complex situations on their own.

If a child is met with compassion, validation, and support, the painful event may still hurt, but it won’t necessarily become trauma. Their nervous system is soothed by the presence of a safe adult. The experience is integrated. They know they’re not alone.

But when a child is instead met with shame, blame, silence, or emotional neglect, they may begin to internalize harmful beliefs, such as:

• “My feelings are too much.”
• “I have to handle everything myself.”
• “I’m not safe with the people who are supposed to protect me.”

Over time, these beliefs can lead to anxiety, disconnection, perfectionism, people-pleasing, or chronic emotional pain.

How Trauma Shapes the Nervous System and Relationships

Trauma isn’t just emotional, it’s physiological. It lives in the body, in the nervous system, and in how we experience the world.

When we feel emotionally unsafe, our body may shift into survival mode, (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn). We might become hypervigilant, dissociate, or avoid closeness. We might even shut down completely.

These patterns often show up in adult relationships, work stress, and chronic health symptoms, but they often began in childhood, rooted in times when we needed support and didn’t get it.

The Good News: Healing Trauma Is Possible

Here’s the hopeful truth: just as trauma happens in relationships, healing happens in relationships, too.

When someone finally feels seen, heard, and understood, when they’re met with empathy instead of judgment, the body can begin to let go of survival mode. We begin to build safety from the inside out.

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting the past or pretending everything’s fine. It means learning to:

• Trust your body again
• Regulate your emotions
• Create safe, meaningful relationships
• Advocate for your needs without shame

How to Know If You’re Carrying Unresolved Trauma

If you’ve ever wondered whether something you went through “really counts” as trauma, try asking yourself:

• Did I feel alone in my pain?
• Was I able to talk to someone who really understood me?
• Did I feel supported and soothed, or dismissed and shamed?

Your answers may reveal ways that trauma could have impacted you.

You Don’t Have to Carry This Alone

I work with individuals who feel disconnected from themselves, anxious in their relationships, or stuck in patterns they don’t fully understand. Together, we gently explore what your body has been holding and build the tools to help you feel safe, empowered, and more present in your life.

If you’re curious about how trauma therapy might support your healing, I’d love to connect.
Reach out to schedule a consultation or learn more about working together.

If you want to jump start your healing journey, check out my recent blog on healing using somatics.